By Laura  (2001)

We’re on a team, and we must fight,

For we have a calling to do what’s right,

The Coach has faith, and He needs us,

So don’t quit and bite the dust.

Just remember players in the past,

Who didn’t quit and had a blast.

They didn’t quit, and why should we?

For I believe it hurts them, you see

For them to think that we don’t care

What they did in those games there.

And on top of all of this,

There will be a next year’s list

The players on this team need us, too,

For they will look at all we do.

God forbid if along the way,

They see a place where we don’t play!

This poem was written after she heard a message on Hebrews 12:1-2. “Wherefore seeing we are also compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily besets us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith. She sent it to her dad….. hoping he would stay on the team….. if you are thinking about leaving…. remember little girls everywhere whose hearts will break…and lives will change.

Compassion- being moved by the heart, led by the Spirit.

Compassion is when as humans we get to imitate God’s mercy. It is unmerited empathy and care for another’s distress. Compassion doesn’t keep score and never expects to be returned. Jesus left us several great examples of His compassion when he healed and also when he dealt with the multitudes. His ministry here could have been so different. He kept it personal and intimate. Compassion is an intimate act. It’s kindness with heart and feet. Let’s look at God’s Word for some great examples of compassion.

Our first example comes from Psalms 103:3-14
3Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;
4Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;
5Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
6The LORD executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.
7He made known his ways unto Moses, his acts unto the children of Israel.
8The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.
9He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever.
10He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
11For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him.
12As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.
13Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him.
14For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.

In verse 3-14 we see that GOD extends all kinds of compassion on our behalf. We are able to experience at any given time His forgiveness, healing, redemption, love, satisfaction, righteous judgment, mercy, pity, grace. In verse 7 we also see that He makes His way known how compassionate not to make us doubt the clear way. In verse 8 we see his attributes of mercy, grace, slow to anger, and mercy is mention again as being plenteous.

In vs 9 we also see that there is an end to God’s mercy

I love vs 10. This is where we really see how we are to have compassion. Ever want to get even with someone. Have you ever wanted “their day” to come? Imagine for a second if we were GOD. How would we deal with that person who hurt us or disappointed us? The point of vs 11 is that GOD’s mercy is above our understanding or comprehension. His compassion is so intense that He removes our sins from His sight.

Compassion is very much like pity. We have all been in a position in which we were furious beyond sanity with a person but for some reason we reverse our need for revenge and extend mercy to the very person who wronged us. That is compassion. A compassionate person knows the person they are extending compassion on is needy. They know their soul is more important than their own feelings.

Matthew 25:31-45

31When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory:
32 And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats:
33And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.
34Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:
35For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
36Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.
37Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?
38When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?
39Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
40And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
41Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:
42For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink:
43I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not.
44Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee?
45Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.

We see how our Heavenly Father expects us to treat Him in verses 35-43. How do we do these things? By treating each other the same way he treats us, especially strangers. We can also see here that compassion isn’t a take it or leave it proposition. Many times we make optional things that GOD feels strongly about. Although He doesn’t say you have to have compassion He demonstrates the consequences of not having compassion. I think the premise here is that saved people will have compassion and those who have no compassion are more than likely not members of the body of Christ. An unforgiving heart is not a compassionate heart.

Galatians 6:1-2
Brethren is a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted, Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.

We have to be careful of the danger of compassion. We have to be careful having compassion about sin in the life of another believer. We all know friends and family who will not confront an individual and gives way too many chances to “do better.” This is misplaced compassion and can cripple someone who should get on with the business of doing what is right in the eyes of God. The world calls this behavior a form of enabling. By extended unwarranted compassion you give a person a safe haven from the conviction of GOD sometimes. We need to be frank with others in the area of sin in their lives. Lovingly telling them in a way that helps them rather than reinforces the sin. We need be supportive with our compassion and very careful. If they are in sin, we have no choice but to speak the truth in love. That is the most compassionate way to handle them. 

The book of Jude is rich in warnings of being ungodly but also in walking in the love of GOD. Jude 22 is a beautiful verse that sums up the whole purpose of compassion.

22 And of some having compassion making a difference.

Jude 20 –25 is basically encouragement to the believers who are walking in this earth.

20 But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit, 21 keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.
22 And on some have compassion, making a distinction; 23 but others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire, hating even the garment defiled by the flesh.
24 Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, And to present you faultless
Before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, 25 To God our Savior, Who alone is wise,
Be glory and majesty, Dominion and power, Both now and forever. Amen.

Quit You Like Men Be Strong, There’s no excuse to be a jerk.

However you were trained to be broken it will take an honest man to listen to or read the following message and be real with it. This message will be received one of 2 ways because it is true ,it will either offend you and you will despise it or, it will send you into prayer for God’s will. I am not a man and it sent me to examine even more of my life and seek GOD to help me with some more areas I am learning in. I don’t think you will be unchanged by it.

It’s time to for us all to wake up. It’s time to stop just sitting on our hands “woe is me”  Be brave, courageous, honorable to the LORD and to HIS will for your life, I dare you to hear this message in entirety. I dare you to be strong in the LORD and stop wallowing in self pity, self consumption, thinking life can only be hard like GOD doesn’t have a will, never wrote a word, and never made a promise. Sure life is hard, that is why we meet it head on with GOD. We don’t curl up, self medicate with mindless pursuits, or run away .. SOAR get out of the box, take one step toward freedom away from bondage.

Mark Driscoll: The first is Little Boy Larry. Little Boy Larry, he’s a total sweetheart. He’s a guy 20’s, 30’s, god forbid 40’s. Can’t keep a job. Forgets to set his alarm. He’s eight years into his undergraduate studies. Works part time because it stresses him out. Still lives with his mom. Maybe he moved out but his mom’s always worried about him so she brings him groceries and picks up his laundry and helps pay his bills. Little Boy Larry is a totally nice guy. He’s a real sweetie pie. So nobody ever kicks him in the batteries. He gets away with murder. Little Boy Larry really loves his mom because she’s always changing his proverbial diaper. And his hope is to meet a really nice gal with a good job and a house.


So that he can go from his mom to his girlfriend or wife. He’ll come up with dumb ideas like I’ll be the stay at home dad.

I’m really good with kids since I am one.


They really like me because we relate to one another as children. Little Boy Larry is a joke. He gets away with murder especially in the Christian church where he tends to be majority. Women who are attracted to these men say, “but I really love him.” Yes, you’re attracted to him as a mother is attracted to an orphaned child. But that’s not a marriage. That’s a mother-child affection. That is not a wife-husband affection. You don’t look at this man, ladies, and say, I respect him. I want my sons to be like him. I want my daughters to marry men like him. You say things like, “he has a lot of potential and no one understands him.” I do. He’s an idiot.


And, he’s fooled you.

Number 2—there’s sturdy oak, Owen. This is the dad who goes to work and comes home, pays the bills, turns on the TV and checks out. This is the dad who he is physically present but emotionally absent. He’s always working on his car, he’s always on the internet, he’s always in his study, he always in the garage, he’s always in the yard. You’ll say, “Dad, you were never there.” He’s like, “I was always there.” Yes, in a comatose state. There are some of you here your dad never said I love you. He never hugged you. He never encouraged you. And what he would say is, what do you mean I wasn’t a good dad? I put food on the table. I put a roof over your head and I came home every night and I was there. He was there. Present. Connected. Participating. That’s a coward. That guy is ultimately a coward. He’s afraid to get involved in the lives of his wife and children.

Number 3—there’s hyper spiritual Henry. This guy drives me insane. This guy drives me insane. This is the guy with Christian t shirts, Christian bumper stickers, always listening to praise music, always reading the latest trendy Christian garbage book. Everything’s about God but it never really makes any sense. He wants everybody to know how hyper spiritual he is to the point where his wife and children are embarrassed by him. Some of you had this dad. You’re out to dinner guy comes to pour the water and he’s like do you know Jesus is the water of life and he could have streams of living water come from you. The 14 year old kid grabs a salad fork and is trying to go under the table and find their jugular just to end their life.


Because their dad is embarrassing. Last name is Flanders. Terrible.

To be the spiritual leader, gentlemen, does not mean that you’re just a total freakish oddball.

Number 4—there’s good time Gary. Good time Gary. Everybody loves him. Life of the party. He is funny. He is charming. He is winsome. He is entertaining. There’s always a crowd of people around him. Everybody likes him. He gets along with everybody. And here’s the key. Everybody loves him. Nobody respects him. Because he’s a joke. That’s why he’s so funny. He doesn’t just tell jokes. He is one. Every time something happens in his life he just turns it into a joke. He doesn’t realize that his life is the joke. Can’t hold a job. Can’t pay his bills. Can’t get out of bed in the morning. Can’t follow through on a commitment. Can’t stay organized. Can’t see anything through to completion. Everybody loves him. Nobody respects him. He’ll draw a crowd but they won’t follow him because he’s not going anywhere. He’s not a leader.

A wife who is married to this guy eventually he becomes not so cute. Not so funny. Not so clever. He becomes profoundly annoying. She’s tired of the jokes and the good times and the everything’s funny and aren’t I clever and cute. She wants a real man she can depend on. She gets sick of it.

Men are prone toward chauvinism or cowardice. Too much. Too little.

Bob: I was watching you as you were listening to that. You were laughing sometimes but nodding and shaking your head a lot. You think that’s a pretty fair description of where a lot of guys are?

Dennis: I think we need to be speaking the truth in love. We don’t want to unnecessarily beat anybody up with the scripture or shame them or whatever but you know what. It’s time for men to be men who are courageous. In Joshua chapter 1 four times God commands the nation of Israel fear not, be courageous. Fear not, be courageous. And I think if there is a man listening right now and he’s going I was one of those four. Then you know what you need to find another man who is a real man. Who can help you step up and coach you out of where you are because you don’t have to stay there. Life is too short to live all wrapped up in yourself and that’s what all four of those are. Cowardly men who were not laying down their lives on behalf of others.

Bob: In that message Mark said that there is an opposite error to cowardice and that’s the error of chauvinism. It’s the error of being a dictatorial abuser. Well, he had four different descriptors for the chauvinist and not only did he have descriptors for them but he always has some strong words for them.

Dennis: And if you felt like the canoe just got placed in the white water we’re about to move into a class 5 rapids in the middle of the Grand Canyon. Now, some of you are going to recoil at the intensity with which Mark shares these points. But I have to tell you I felt like the intensity was right.

Bob: Well, here’s Mark’s description of the four different kinds of chauvinists that you find in the church today.

Mark: I’ve been dealing with men for enough years at this point and I’ll share with you some of these guys. The chauvinist don’t understand masculinity and how to treat a woman so there are four basic versions of this failure that I have witnessed.

The first is no sissy stuff Sam. This is the guy he doesn’t know what a man is he just knows a man is not a woman. So whatever a woman is he’s going to be the opposite. Right? Some of you guys have this dad. Mom hugs so he doesn’t hug. Mom says she loves you so he doesn’t say he loves you. Mom kisses you so he doesn’t kiss you because that’s girl stuff. This guy doesn’t understand that men and women are both made in the image and likeness of God. That they have the same emotions and passions and experiences and they tend to express them in masculine or feminine ways but being a man is not the opposite of being a woman that you are both made in the likeness of God and you express yourself in masculine and feminine ways. These guys tend to think that to be a man means this, you can belch the loudest, spit the farthest, and punch the hardest. That’s a man. That’s not a man. That’s a joke. That’s a joke. There is no woman here today praying God send me that. I want a real man.


But too many guys especially guys that a single too long and guys who put 27 guys into a one bedroom apartment so they can each spend $30 dollars a month on red and spend all their time just rocking out to guitar hero that’s what those guys think.


And they are idiots.

Number 2—success and status Stuart. This is the guy he defines himself the Bible says by what he has and does. He has this sort of left over hyper jock competitive mentality. Here’s how much I make. Here’s how my company is doing. Here’s my car. Here’s my house. Here’s my success. Here’s my wins. Here’s my victories. And he treats his wife just like another trophy. Her job is to look pretty and be quiet. Just make him look good as yet another notch on his belt. He doesn’t love her well. He doesn’t serve her well. He’s more worried about his income and possessions than wife and his children.

Number 3—there’s give em hell Hank. This is the guy he’s got anger, violence, short temper, rude, crude, mean. He’s harsh. He’s overbearing. He’s intimidating. He’s scary. He is scary. Are you this guy? Is your wife scared of you? What kind of man intimidates a woman?

Number 4—I’m the boss, Bob. This guy is just bossy. He thinks wherever he is that he is the king of the whole thing. He’s always telling everybody what to do. He stands back at a distance like a drill sergeant and just barks out orders to his wife and barks out orders to his children. He has a hard time keeping a job because he always is bossing around his employer and his employees and no one can stand him. He thinks that being a man means being bossy and overbearing. These guys are the worst when they show up at church. They want to be in authority not under authority. These are the guys who show up and immediately say, “I want to lead. Put me in charge of something.”

You’re in charge of shutting up. That can be your specialty. These are the guys when you rebuke them they just leave the church and they take their wife and children with them and their wife and children suffer because this is a guy who loves to be in authority, refuses to be under authority, likes to tell everyone what to do, and he himself can’t be told anything.

I’ve got a list of these guys. You can see it in their wife’s face. She’s miserable. You can see it in their children. They despise their father. And he’s oblivious because he’s an imbecile. And they go from church to church to church and evidentially it’s like well, we can’t find a good church meaning I can’t find a pastor dumb enough to take my orders.

That’s how chauvinism works itself out. Men, when you read the Bible and you read words like head of the household if you think it means something like this you’re an idiot. You’re abusive. You’re dangerous and you’re a fool.

Some of you guys. It’s so frustrating. Some of you guys have been coming here for years. You still have your hands all over your girlfriend. Some of you guys have been coming here for years and you’re still not praying with your wife. Some of you guys have been coming here for years and you’re still single and having sex. Some of you guys will even even as I’m preaching this sermon some of you will be sitting next your girlfriend, fiancé, or your wife some of you guys have already given her that look. Don’t cry, don’t let them know they are talking about me just hold it together. You’ve already intimidated her right here. Some of you guys have already whispered in her ear, “I don’t want to hear it. We’re not talking about this in the car on the way home.” Some of you have already whispered in her ear, “I’m sorry, I’ll do better. Trust me. Let’s just move on real quickly.

How dare you? Who do you think you are? Abusing a woman. Neglecting a woman. Being a coward. A fool. Being like your father Adam. You’re not god. You’re just a man. You’re not an impressive man. You’re not a responsible man. You’re not a noble man. You’re not a respectable man. You’re not a responsible man in any regard. I don’t care how successful you. In this area if you are a failure it clouds all of your dignity. It robs all of your masculinity. There is no excuse for any man who claims the name of Christ to treat a woman in a dishonorable, disrespectable way. Some of you right now you’ll get all angry. How dare he yell at me. That’s the Holy Spirit telling you it’s you. I didn’t name you He did. You change now little boy. You change right now. You shut up. You put your pants on. You get a job. You grow and maybe one day you can love a woman. It’s for men not for boys. And those of you men who are here and your wives are suffering under your folly and failure. Shame on you. And shame on you if you say you’re a Christian. And shame on you if you’ve been attending Mars Hill. And shame on you if you’ve been surrounded by good men and have pursued none of them. And shame on you if you’ve not become a member and submitted to spiritual authority. And shame on you if you’ve not joined a community group so you can walk in darkness. And shame on you if you show up to put communion in your hands representing the body and blood of your murdered Savior and then go put them on your girlfriend or download porn from the internet or raise your hand in a threat to your wife. Shame on you. You guys are a joke.

And there’s a handful of good men that are tired of picking up your mess. So you step up. You shut up. You man up. You do business with God. You use all that anger you have toward me right now to repent.

It’s ok to say, that’s enough!

Although my life is now a deeply increasing desire to walk with the LORD and know Him more intimately the demands of life are real and present. I changed careers a little over two years ago to a very high pressure job. Daily bombarded with calls, orders, expectations, and demands leaves me sometimes very very drained. In order to make it through the day I call on the Lord quite often. Face it, when the chips are down that is where I lean. I can’t lean on people because they will let me down, and I can’t afford in my economy to be let down by humans as much anymore. It’s not fair to them to have high expectations and I can’t have my needs met by other folks who are not able to do so. Truly the One who loves you, knew you before you were born, who gave HIS life for you, is capable of meeting those needs.

That being said when I do express my limit I often find that folks size me up and say, no that isn’t what you mean when in reality it is exactly what I mean.  Folks, take people at their word. I wouldn’t say something stresses me if it didn’t or if I meant it’s ok continue to stress me. I woudln’t say not to talk about a topic if I meant go ahead and talk about it because I can handle it. It is very freeing to know your limits. Mine are that right now at this time in my life I have to get my work done, learn from my mistakes, and I have to concentrate on the task at hand. If anyone has read my post past and present on this blog they know I have struggled to get to a point I can say, don’t do that to me.  If I say it I mean it. Don’t STRESS me by stressing me …. encourage, uplift, point me toward focus on the Lord. Encourage don’t discourage. Folks, let your words be apples of gold in pictures of silver as the WORD says. Minister grace to the hearers. At any time we have power with our words to take down a precious soul GOD has already forgiven.

Bitter? Me? *Shock Face*

I am here! I can’t believe it. I have let a root of bitterness settle in my life. I went to church today hoping to sing and lift my heart a little. It is Mother’s Day and the second one without my children. It’s been over 6 years since my family was intact as a whole traditional family. Four of those years we were surviving under the grace of God doing the best we all could to heal. Two little precious children were rocked when the “angel of divorce” ( added for dramatic emphasis) came knocking at our door. Not trying to be insensitive to divorce because it has been one of the most life changing factors in my recent life. Just able to be down the road knowing it will change your life but not end it. Pre-divorce I had a Mayberry existence and could have never entertained the idea of being single today. My bitterness came as a surprise to me. I had my own idea of who I was and how much strength I had. Never would I have admitted as a Christian that I was bitter. The connotation was one of a person who was very angry at life who didn’t have a voice in their circumstances and who now must put together what others tore apart with some of the pieces missing. Yikes! That is who I have become. My story will sound boring but you never know who is reading so I will give a brief synopsis. My Dad was distant I married a copy of him who was distant most of the marriage but I didn’t know any better because it was my normal. When he stated he was having and affair I divorced him. I haven’t had a successful relationship and don’t know if that is possible for me. That is a side issue. What I have discovered is that I am bitter from being rejected and held distant. I thought I was angry but my anger somewhere on the road turned to bitterness. I find myself angry at every person and everything. I think things I generally had a high threshold of patience for are now so annoying. My stomach is in knots and my spiritual life is AAAACCCCCKKKK!! I thought if so and so would just do this or that all would be right in my world. BUZZZZZZZZZZ nope that is not going to fix this. The root of bitterness has to go. It has to be excised. All the things that cause it have to go out the window. I had no clue it was there but now that I do, it would be pride and rebellion on my part to leave it alone to fester and infest all who are around me with my “wonderfulness” (sarcasm) I am not wonderful when I am in this shape. Never been here before but I know what wonderful is and it “aint” me. I am hard to deal with, restless, angry, short tempered, sick, hurt, frustrated. An ant crossing the 4 lane highway gets my attention just because my senses are on “full alert” Lord help anyone who gets a blast of me. It’s like meeting a flame thrower. Why would I post this? Because I want to be back to my cute and funny loving self. I don’t want to be so occupied with my pain that I forget to live the good times now. Here’s what happened at church today. I have asked God to help me forgive where needed, press the delete button on things that need to go, and to help restore what I have lost in this season of hurt and frustration. I have asked him to help me not strive, complain, and argue my way through this time of growth and healing but to put him first. I want to praise through this no matter how deep the valley or dark the storm. I am laying down my weapons and giving up my own strength to allow God to fight this battle. “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by it many be defiled.” (Hebrews 12:15)

Love from The Four Loves by CS Lewis

Lots here to ponder …………think deep folks  and God bless. I find myself in need of  your prayer.

The Four Loves

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.
  • Need-love cries to God from our poverty; Gift-love longs to serve, or even to suffer for, God; Appreciative love says: “We give thanks to thee for thy great glory.” Need-love says of a woman “I cannot live without her”; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection — if possible, wealth; Appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so than never to have seen her at all.
  • Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
  • Friendship arises out of mere companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden). The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, “What? You too? I thought I was the only one.”
  • All that is not eternal is eternally out of date.
    • “Charity”
  • If we cannot “practice the presence of God,” it is something to practice the absence of God, to become increasingly aware of our unawareness till we feel like man who should stand beside a great cataract and hear no noise, or like a man in a story who looks in a mirror and finds no face there, or a man in a dream who stretches his hand to visible objects and gets no sensation of touch. To know that one is dreaming is to no longer be perfectly asleep. But for news of the fully waking world you must go to my betters.


Movin’ On

Rascal Flatts wrote this song somehow I identify with it in some ways. This isn’t the yippeee yi yo springboard I envisioned to declare my life back but it is poignant somehow to say some things in my heart. Parts I don’t agree with at all but overall it says, “enough is enough time to live!!!! ” More to come but enjoy the song because God isn’t done with me yet. My latter days are going to be great 🙂

Movin’ On – Rascal Flatts

I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ onI’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on


TRUST, Relationships and Harm’s Way

Trust is hard to define for me but is something that I know is vital in a relationship. When it is gone the relationship is in danger.  Someone once said, “if only I were the person my dog thinks I am.” I don’t know all of the implications of trust or a lack thereof. I can only speak from a personal perspective.  So I will plod along here for a few minutes if you will allow.

If you have read any of my previous post you have seen a couple of facts about me that might shed light on this post so I will repeat them here. Basically, I was grew up in a home with a very distant father, then I became a Christian and met and married a man who was on track to be a preacher, we met at Bible college and served the Lord in the music ministry at a fundamental Baptist church until he ran off with another woman.  I know some would think, aaaack, don’t say all of that online. Well, two things to consider, one what I might say could possibly help someone which would make it all work together for good, and secondly I find I need to share it somewhere.

So maybe I will give God a break and say it here 🙂 . My marriage in 1982 was I thought a time in my life that was exciting and wonderful. I dearly loved my husband and what I thought was partnership and teamwork became burden and bondage to him.  We never seemed to be on the same page. I thought if you love the Lord there would be fruit. He led the choir in our church and I taught in a Christian school.  He rarely prayed, had a desire for souls, or read the Bible, slept in church and went through the motions.

There was always a tension there but I still thought the first 10 years we were just a normal couple and that because I didn’t really know or understand the love of my father that I had to not put too much stock into the “something” that was clearly wrong with the picture.  Unfortunately, my coping mechanism was to see reality in a light that was more of a fantasy than what was really happening. I changed the truth into fantasy. I was clueless and trying to love beyond all of it thinking love was enough.

In 1992, he had his first affair. I never saw it coming and was totally blown away emotionally. That is what happens when you believe in fantasies. When reality rears it’s head you are in shock.  I would say that day trust between us died. We stuck it out past 2 more affairs to finally divorce in 2001. I never could look at him again the same way. I couldn’t get back in the game because he became to me someone who could throw me away and put me back to remembrance of my childhood pain.

I have loved since my first marriage but found that trust again has become an issue with me. I have learned that both people have to value trust and work toward the same goal. I know that once broken I can not dream or imagine past the reality that trust is gone. No matter how much my heart might want to, my head now knows better. If someone betrays you no matter what their intention was there is no partnership, no team, no future, no hope, no value, no committment. We have to trust God with folks who are untrustworthy.

.  The truth builds a foundation that will stand the test and trials of life.  Deception is not the work of God.  So when people show you who they are you have to believe them to do otherwise is to put your emotional health in harm’s way. That being said, if GOD is truly working in a person and you are led by the Holy Spirit to stick it out, you really don’t have a choice. I have learned only the Holy Spirit can change a heart. You can’t discern this if you are in a mess and not being led. Stay in the WORD, in prayer and trust the only one who can lead you through such a hard time.

We can only trust  our faithful God in this life if we want assurance of safety.

God in a box?

From learning and first hand witness I have understood that Catholics believe God is in a certain box until he becomes flesh during the Eucharistic ceremony. Hearing it and witnessing it is unbelievable. This belief is a matter of contention among Christendom. God in a box?

Well before I get too self righteous I am convicted that often I put God in a box. How do I do that? I put God in a box by thinking with my human intellect rather than the leading of the Holy Spirit. I wouldn’t want to reside in some of the boxes I create.

I was reading about Nehemiah rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem and I saw so much there that could fill many pages. I am always child-like amazed when I read in God’s Word about things. It just blows me away seeing how God did things then. Then? What about now?

Well, here’s what I felt the Holy Spirit say to me. That might be the first time I have expressed my sharing this way. At any rate lets ponder this.

Jesus says he is the same yesterday today and forever. So I limit God when I read all the wonderful stories about renewal, restoration, healing, compassion the list goes on in His Word, but I limit God when I read those wonderful accounts and in my own understanding reason that He isn’t the same, that he will deal differently with me. Is that adding to God’s Word? Hmmm

Jesus says come unto me all ye who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Here I limit God when I keep striving in my own strength rather than resting in His. This is an open invitation to rest.

When we are told that he will never leave us or forsake us so that we can say that the Lord is my helper he means that. He says that we don’t have to fear man. We don’t have to limit God by going into the trials and troubles of life as if there is no hope. We don’t have to fear any earthly process that tries to test our foundation. There is a great abundant hope.

What am I saying? I could list hundreds of examples of what God says. Here’s the bottom line for me.

God is all He claims to be regardless of what is going on with me. His promises are true and the answer is still the same regardless of what my circumstance is.

In light of that, no matter what I have faced or will face, GOD is who He says He is. The only time God is limited is in my heart and mind!!!!!!! When I choose to keep leaning on my own understanding and choose to keep doing things my way I am saying NO to resources that God has provided.

I can do all things through Christ ………means all things. I can get through whatever is ahead……..THROUGH CHRIST……….. not through Deb.

Don’t limit God, trust Him. I have been at a state lately that has just overwhelmed my abilities. I have cried off and on because my heart has lost hope about a matter that is dear to me. The Bible says hope deferred makes the heart sick is what I am talking about. My story isn’t over and I am trusting GOD and believe HIS WORD no matter what my circumstances are or how they turn out. Sadness is a part of the journey sometimes but we have to let GOD work in those times to be who He is, to glorify Himself, and to grow us up in the Lord. Sometimes the future doesn’t turn out like we planned and dreamed, but God promises a future and hope.

Awakened Dreamer

Ever feel this way? I have no value in this life which I finally understand. No one loves me enough to love me forever except God. I resign to that fact and cease my quest for love. I have awakened from one bad dream to the next to find out that no matter how much you hope, pray, love, care, and give, folks who don’t want you just simply don’t and you can’t change that. It’s as transcendental as the love of God who won’t force someone to love him back. I should have known better but I dreamed past my head and heart.

Now they have caught up and I am a million miles from where I need to be at this time in my life. It will be a long journey back to me, the person I used to know. Praise the Lord, He will walk with me I will not be afraid. Dear Father, your child needs her shepherd to rest in the fold again and be safe. Trying to explain what God means to me and why I see His Love as an exchange which is exhibited by my submission and service. If you just hear the words to this song and let them sink in… especially the part that says……. MY CHAINS ARE GONE…. You would understand what my heart knows. I am free from the sting of death…….. Sin brings death…..physical for sure but also the death of life abundant the spiritual death.
Spiritual death is when the ravages of sin brings the death of right thinking, of dreams, of vision, of compassion, of right desires and actions.
I HAVE BEEN SET FREE BY TRUTH of who God is, what He has done, and who I am in HIM. >…. Not by what others think or this world defines.

Dear One ………….. I hope and pray you know the same so deep in your soul you can’t escape it. ………all power and strength comes by the grace of GOD. It’s all yours and has been since day one.

I understand that no one will love me enough to love me forever except God and that in this life I have no value except the value He gives me.
Chris Tomlin

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see
‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine But God,
Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

God bless those who love and encourage folks. Great is your reward.

I love this song by Casting Crowns!
She is running
100 Miles an hour
In the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyons ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadverture just to find
she’s another 2 years older and she’s 3 more steps behind
Chorus:Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Lord does anybody even know she’s going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple
with all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in,to ride in and save the day
And then walks in her prince charming
and he knows just what to say
A momentary lapse of reason and she gives herself away
Chorus:Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Lord does anybody even know she’s going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeplewith all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Who can’t see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her
If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Who can’t see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her
Never even met her
Chorus:Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Lord does anybody even know she’s going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeplewith all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?

Learning to Walk

(still working on this one not complete)
I don’t remember learning to walk or talk but I do remember watching my girls learn both. They would look at me and try to take that step. Sometimes I would reach out and hold their little hand that would grip mine as they would take assisted steps. I would let go but stay near to see if they could balance on their own. Wobble, wobble, wobble, then poof right down they would go. Each time we did the exercise the wobbles were less and the time standing would increase. In my absence when I wasn’t there to offer assistance they would pull up to things but never let go to walk. It wasn’t long before they took that first step. I remember clapping and hugging and praising. We both had so much joy. Sometimes they would look at me and move that foot almost as if they enjoyed me enjoying them. I miss those days. That celebration transfered to each milestone they achieved. It was a celebration of many first to come. First bike ride without training wheels, learning to skate, academics, sports and then the best of all a relationship with God. It all was so natural to nurture and love and water their garden as they bloomed. They have bloomed to be exceptional children with room to grow as we always have.
Can you imagine how their lives would have turned out if when they first pulled up to something I sat them down and scowled at them? What if I said to them, you forced your way here and I am resentful dealing with your presence. Can you imagine me assisting them then letting go and watching them fall only to say it was their own fault for trying? What if I tore up the first paper they brought home from school or analyzed it for not being what I thought it should be. Imagine that first “art project” ending up in the trash. What if their eyes longing for the natural parental relationship and love that should be there, were instead met with disapproval as if they could or had to do something to make me love and accept them? Can you imagine telling that child that the way they are makes you reject them? Even worse telling them that something needs to change to be accepted but you have to guess what that is. A child like that would feel so rejected and would eventually stop trying to gain love and acceptance. They will usually look for it elsewhere in order to get out of the house as fast as they can. They wouldn’t know how win and would lose the desire to. They might see glimpses of hope but eventually the rejection would become so painful they would shut down in that direction.It’s hurtful to even write such imaginations because it hits too close to home. I have been that child in my lifetime in a few situations. I am that child right now.

Yesteday was my birthday. I spent it in silence at work digging in and getting things done. I then went home and prepared to go to the doctor for chest and arm pain. Sitting there alone was hard but necessary. I left there to go home concerned for what my medical condition might be only to further be torn to shreds to my very core. What I started out hearing in shock ended in pain. I can’t describe it all but can say that when nothing changes nothing changes. I have to learn to walk all over again. I feel rejected, totally misunderstood, and shut down which was what I was trying to prevent. I can’t describe how much this hurts, I can’t even talk about it. My art work was my dreams and they are all smashed.

Where’s God. Well that is the good news. God is right here being the first parent, watching me fall and helping me up. Seeing me cry and drying my tears. God is there celebrating whatever I salvage from this. I can look up in any direction and God is there. I need to let him heal this because this time it’s bigger than my ability.

I have become like that child that wants to give up. I have tried to restrain myself from that but can’t. I can’t and don’t desire to continue in the vein I have been traveling. I just want to go home at this point.

Water My Garden before I fade away.

Sometimes I think I am a foreigner and then I am reminded by the Bible that I am not of this world. I have by my own fault isolated myself from most of the folks I know, moved to a new town, and basically as a southerner would say “I’m whoopped” ( That is in my dictionary lol don’t bother looking it up)

I have never dealt well with rejection but have made great progress in unpacking the past and dealing with the hurtful times I have been rejected. A message by Charles Stanley did arrange the concept a little better for me but the pain is still there to some degree because it surfaces once in a while. I don’t guess that it would be an overnight event to have it poof away. I have matured past waiting for magic days when the world gets all nice again. I know there is a better city in a far country whose builder and maker is GOD. I am counting on that being the place my smile will never end.

My little head sometimes ponders things that to me just don’t add up. It never adds up to be unkind to someone. I do understand the power of words and actions.

This much I do know, I know my own limit. I am growing in the Lord, slowly but still growing, I am also a person who does try hard to be right with those I come in contact with.

I see myself as a garden of beautiful flowers. Some have glowing blooms that are steady and sure as each season passes. Their roots are deep and tap into a well-spring of life. These would be my undying love for the Lord, my joy in raising my girls and loving them, my calling as a Science teacher and loving my students, and my passion to work hard.

There are other flowers in my garden that are tender and although they have deep roots, they depend on water to sustain the best parts of me. These would be my need to be loved, hugged, and treated kindly. I need to belong in the lives of those who are closest to me. I seem to fade and become invisible for reasons I still have yet to learn.

I will just say it out loud. I just can’t stay planted where there is so much negativity directed toward me. The tender flowers of my personality just wilt and become unattractive to myself and to those I want to love and care for. I never am at my best when I have to climb a mountain of defeating actions and comments just for a crumb or two of kindness. My question is, who would be?

I hate and desperately despise it when people say things to me before considering how it sounds. Words carry weight and hurt. I have tried to be kind in return but as of late when I hear so much correction coming my way I think to myself, someone needs to find a perfect friend who can accomplish the long list of things I fail to do in a prescribed pre-ordained manner.

I am an intelligent, articulate, kind, caring, saved, sassy, simply funny ( corny) yet cute southern gal. I am the daughter of the living GOD who loves me so much He gave His Son’s life to make a way for me to be with Him forever. I can not be less than a joint heir with my adopted family in Heaven. Humbly yet with all confidence in who God is and what he promised I say all that.

There is no reason to re-invent the wheel here. If a person wants to be my friend, accept me for who I am. Respect my boundaries. I am not perfect and at my age I don’t have to explain or make excuses for that. By faith I have overcome some very hard things in life that appeared at my own hands and the hands of others. Whatever I can learn I eagerly anticipate learning with joy, what I can’t learn, eh. I know more than I will ever remember already lol. I simply am the best I can be at any given season, always seeking the Kingdom and growing to be as much as I can in the future.

This is my notice to the universe and this is my declaration incase the world missed the memo.

What you say and how you treat me does affect me period. My sticks and stones clause ran out years ago. If you want beautiful blooms water my garden. If you want weeds, beat down on me with the harsh wind and sun and more than likely the things you loved about me in the first place will turn to weeds. It’s not rocket science. It’s ministering grace as the Bible says.

I won’t let expressions stop me and if it becomes a choice between being myself or being a fabricated insecure person waiting on someone to accept me. I choose to say thank you but no thanks. Heaven is my home and I am eternally secure in God’s love for me. I can make it on my own but I would love to grow in grace with those I love.

I am going to love you instead of tolerate you by the way 🙂 so to the world. Bring it on. Christ in me knows how to hug you through me.

How does a Christian have a bad day?

There are some days that are just not what you want them to be. As a matter of fact to be honest, some days are plain rotten. Today was one of those days. I woke up with a fever and was trying to figure where it came from, a bad tooth, earache, bronchitis? All of them could have been a viable possibility. To top it off my tendonitis had flaired up and was giving me a hard time. I wrestled with going to the doctor and missing work or just sticking it out. These are the choices you have to make when your livelihood is totally dependent on you working. My job has been tenuous, being in a new city, learning the ropes of something I have a hard time grasping.

Seventeen years of teaching in a Christian school setting didn’t prepare me for the secular business world. I am ill equipped but catching up. I decided at lunch to possibly go home. That’s when a kinda eh day started to sink. I found out I needed to stay at work and so I decided to get some things done and kept at it. My fever broke at about 3:30 and I figured I had avoided a visit to the doctor which meant less money I had to pay out. That didn’t disappoint me but I still had to finish my day.

I have never been able to be heard in a particular situation and it presented again today. Somehow I have an ability to articulate the things I want to say but still be dismissed. I try to figure out if it’s a lack of respect or if I am portraying a run over me essence. Either way it made the end of my day emtionally draining. I seem to try to explain my position but without fail wind up being told I am manipulative or wrong. Sometimes I am wrong, I don’t have too much pride to admit that but manipulative is so far removed from my head. It actually hurts me to be accused of being manipulative because that would indicate that I want to cause harm and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I don’t want to do that. Maybe my definition of that word is the problem. To me, manipulative is when you trick or cajole someone either honestly or dishonestly into doing something for your own advantage or gain without considering how it affects them. I was manipulated by guilt placed on me all my life and it took a lot of work to heal from that. So it would be far from my mind to do that to anyone. I guess I am venting my frustration but it seems so aggravating to me to say something and be dismissed or judged for it or to not say something and be scolded for silence. How do you accomplish anything when both streets are dead ends.

I know something new clicked with me today. The first thought I had, and I know this is the first time I have ever thought this, that I am a victim. But the further thought was almost an ephiphany moment. I don’t have to be. Before when I became a victim I thought I was being tolerant or meek and I stayed in the role and just took it as it came.

Today, I looked around me and said, I did nothing wrong. Yes, I was emotional after I saw I didn’t matter, but I expressed myself, was told I was wrong and manipulative and I know I was just expressing a need the same as a person would say I am thirsty. I came to the conclusion. If you are a victim it’s because you allow it.

People on a day in and day out basis without words do treat you the way they want to. I used to think love would win the day but now I know it doesn’t. Some people don’t care if you love them or care about your contribution to their life. They make that clear when the me’s and I’s come out.

There is a limit. I have reached mine. From this day forward, rotten days are behind me if they are the product of someone else’s issues. 🙂 Time to sing of the great faithfulness of GOD who knows me 🙂 and my widdle heart.

I know God loves me and I will be sure to remember what is true, lovely, and of a good report.

God bless Thanks for hearing.

The Reckoning

(note this was written for a loved one but there have been times it applied to me, nothing to hide)

The depths of my soul were in despair

I framed excuses for my life everywhere

It`s not very hard if you`ll look you`ll see

My life is just not what GOD meant it to be

Wandering and drifting at every turn

Never making a change from lessons learned

Putting off the things that I should do

With the false idea that God will see me thru

Sure He can, He has has my heart,

But it`s so overwhelming, how do I start

I`ve been on the mountain and seen Him work  

Why am I whining and being a jerk

Cause it1s easier to give up from deep within,

Than to let Him work and overcome my sin

It`s easy to give in to my weak weary ways

Than to start redeeming the rest of my days

Just keep telling myself there`s too much to overcome

Look around at the chaos and get nothing done

Will this tortured and battered lifestyle ever end

Yes! The day I stop breathing as a slave to sin

How horrible the sound, there must be a better finish

Than to watch my dreams, soul, and spirit diminish

Sure there is, but I have to cry out loud

This is not for someone who is lofty and too proud

I must allow GOD to do what only

HE can And stop letting my life drift like grains of sand

Surrender and stop doing what I think is best

I will follow after GOD and truly be blessed

There is never a peace apart from His will

Either I make the change or keep doing the drill!

Joy Keepin’

As my life began to unravel, and my heart began to break.
Things were changing fast around me, and my soul began to shake.
The hurt over ran all reason, and my eyes began their weeping.
My father in His loving care, taught me joy keeping.
Many things I can never change in this journey now so hard.
So much damage was brought our way, as choices left their scars.
Two little lights once innocent, now know new hurt and pain.
What should’ve been a precious love, has now become a drain.
I kiss the tears and share the loss, as best a mom can do.
I share the blessed belief I have, that GOD will see us through.
When sorrow mounts and overwhelms, and trouble comes a creeping,
We hit our knees and pray out loud, ‘cause were joy keeping.
It’s all very simple you see, based on child like trust.
My Father wants the best for me, keeping joy is a must!

Yikes, Elijah!

Elijah Syndrome, lol. I thought the name was original with me. A quick web search proved me wrong but I am going to share this with you in that vein. I have been studying alot lately. I enjoy learning many things. One recent wow moment was when I looked at the phrase “as a man thinketh in his heart so is he” that Biblical phrase has so much truth. What we believe forms our actions. I am not talking about something mystical in mysticism or name it and claim it jargon. I do know that what we believe does determine our course. Look at Elijah, after an incredible victory he was reduced to fear, doubt, loneliness, and near death by an evil woman’s words. He has seen with his own eyes the work of God and knew God to be truthful and faithful but was afraid of a woman! Our thinking/beliefs do shape alot of things for us. If I believe I am a failure, I fail. If I believe I am hopeless, I become depressed. If I believe I can’t be loved, I attract people who won’t commit and love me. Are you getting the picture? I have seen this in my short 46 years played out over and over. No wonder God says to think on things that are lovely, of a good report, to take our thoughts captive, to cast down imaginations. The key is believing. We have to be careful what we say to others and to ourselves. Many things that stress us and down us are not of God. We can’t fix the world but we can be in a healthy relationship with GOD that is able to bring joy admist the storms and that brings us to a place where we grow past some of the immaturity that is part of our problem. We can also learn to walk in the Spirit and study to know God. God has announced to the world in His Word who we are in Christ. We have to believe it and live it. NOTE to self… lol this is a note to me too.
Take stock, ask forgiveness, ask for wisdom and understanding, but above all believe GOD who is true. Life won’t be rosey but it can be real, true, and in the grace of God headed toward the prize. GOD bless ………