My 5 year old brother drowned and was buried on my birthday. He died a tragic death that was compounded by the circumstance. It was one that I won’t share here because of the living. When I say that there is always this knife in my heart for my helpless brother and for the death of my family that day. There’s always the pain of knowing who my Dad was and how desperately I wanted him not to be that man. I usually wake up on my birthday regretting being born, regretting not being the one that drowned and regretting that I couldn’t make up for my parents missing my brother.
My birthday never passed without saying how long Little Bob (his nickname) had been dead. Without saying what a sweet little loving boy he was. Without saying how much they wish they hadn’t of let him go to the lake that day with Dad. I so longed for having him back my entire. I cringed at school when teachers would point out my birthday because I knew Mom would be too sad to care about my birthday and bring cupcakes like the other Mom’s did. I felt as if it labeled me not loved by my mom. I was a child and the only thought I had was they wished it was me that drowned that day. Their constant focus on my weight also contributed to this feeling that I am not “enough” The problem was I never knew what ENOUGH was. That’s the details and they only bring death…… I just want to say goodbye to my little brother today. Goodbye to my partner in crime who ran and laughed with me. Goodbye to the little brother who would hold my face in his little hands when I fell down and say. “You be awight, I right here” He always thought it seemed that because he was there I wouldn’t be alone. Goodbye to the little boy who brought smiles to everyone’s face as they described his loving little innocent heart. Goodbye to the brother I never knew in school. Goodbye to the teen who would have been ahead of me in school learning things like driving and playing sports. Goodbye to the man I could have known, loved and possibly looked up to. Goodbye to the older brother who could have protected me. Goodbye to the happiness our house might have had with your soul there with us. I have carried you in my heart because it always seemed so tragic that you were gone before we could hug you and say one last goodbye. I never realized how much I missed you until I penned these words. I never knew this pain still sat inside of me so deep until someone said today. I am grateful for this day because it marks the day of the year that God brought you into this world you are treasured by me. She had no clue how deeply those words touched my heart today. Ironically she is my new playmate and sister in God and in love.. We laugh and the world seems a better place because she is my family beyond the DNA. I can say Goodbye little Bob, I still carry you in my heart sweetie.. but now as my brother holding my face I hear you saying “You be awight, I still here” “You don’t have to forget me to feel less pain, you can remember me when you feel loved by Annie, Timmy, Solve, Pete, Esse, Tami and Poppy Greg. Mom and Dad are here and they are happy you have what they could never give you and they love you more than you can imagine.” “You are not alone sissy, God’s hands are holding us all.” My answer as a little 3 year old missing her brudder and as a 53 year old woman crying and peeling back yet another layer is. “Sweet Bobby, I am so glad you are in a real home with Mom and Dad, I am so thankful to feel your love through my new family here. I am so grateful God’s love encompasses all of our pain. I don’t miss you anymore- what could have been, I know you are with me. I LOVE YOU with all my heart~ see you later” ………. my heart rejoices LOVE NEVER FAILS… TY GOD I look to you! I surrender to your love and amazing hope.
Categories: When life doesn't make sense