There’s no return for me, can’t go back, dead to that life.

*** reposted from Aug 2013. This has been one amazing year.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind for me. Life has changed completely from what I thought it was to something more than I can imagine. When you cliff dive there are always risks.  I would rather be exactly where I am right now learning and feeling than in a box that has been shelved thinking I am living just because I do a lot of stuff. I’ve written a lot of words here over the last few years. As a matter of fact I have written and said far too many words most of my life. Those were said to get or protect imitation love.

Enjoy this song dear ones…. God knew what he was getting into when he decided to love me. All of us are broken and we break our children.

Real love flows freely. We don’t have to get or protect it. When we trade for love we are prostituting ourselves to not feel empty and afraid.  Even as this was unfolding for me last week I slipped back to try to protect love. I felt empty and afraid like a drowning woman. The real love in me stopped because fear always blocks love.  I came to my senses but with consequences. That’s the thing if we try to earn love in any way we always do it at a price for someone else they may not be able to pay. Don’t put people thru that you aren’t loving them when you do.

I know in the next few months my life is going continue to be more different than I imagined. I am excited about that prospect. I have entered something that there is no return from.  I was made for this and hope to share as I journey.  Go into this story with me sweet readers.  I love you! Image

Imagine this process.  Most of my life I was like  a caterpillar. I just spent my time roaming branches to survive and trying to avoid the other animals that would eat me. Each day was a mission to make it one more day.  I call that gutting it out. The kind of living we do to form a life that is empty. We forge our way on the floor of the stock market of imitation love that leaves us empty and afraid. We buy and trade for approval and value.  I did this in my marriage.  I had no clue what real love was and neither did my ex. So when it stopped working we both were left wounded. We had imitation love that we learned from parents who were imitators as well.  I was the worst offender because I hid behind the Bible to try to make things work.  I mean I did have GOD on my side. That’s a lie! God wanted me to love my spouse like he was. I didn’t. OUCH! No wonder at some point he wished I was dead. I would have wished that too if I were him.  When we ran out of things to trade our marriage died and we were over.

A few weeks ago I learned as a caterpillar that I can’t survive like that any more. I learned what real love is. It is unconditional. Loving is more natural than trying to love. There’s no try in it. It is more than an action even. It’s spiritual flowing from the Father through you. You can’t muster it up. It is changing my life faster than I can breathe.  So this little caterpillar is now living in a cocoon for a bit of transformation. The caterpillar parts of me are dead and I love that their death even feels natural!!! This is easier not harder. I feel like the 2nd chrysalis right beside the green cocoon in the picture. My life is forming but I am not ready to break free yet. I need the cocoon right now to process in. It takes strength for the butterfly to get ready to break the cocoon and soar.  I don’t have all of that strength yet. As a matter of fact if the butterfly doesn’t do the exercise of breaking free it will not have strong enough wings to soar. It will fall to the ground and never live again.  That is not an option here.  This next step of my life is by faith.

Greg Baer  wrote —“”Until you spread your wings, you can’t know how high you’ll soar.” (Ray Bradbury) Without faith, you’ll never really know yourself.”

Dear friends find out what real love is! Your life will change forever. When you read the verses below they will be living to you as they are to me now that I am awakened. I love the last phrase about knowledge. My head knowledge isn’t worth spit! If you could see my heart now you would feel my love for you!

I John 4:18. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.

I Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

3 thoughts on “There’s no return for me, can’t go back, dead to that life.

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