This was written for a precious daughter of the King.   Wading through love can be like a minefield. You can’t approach it like a Wal-Mart where you just pick something out and you can’t go for it like you are doing brain surgery where you over analyze everything. I think this narrows down the approach a bit and will keep us from defrauding and breaking up and making trial runs at something that should work like GOD says it should. The Bible is the filter not our past and it’s damage. I  want to say I believe everything I am writing is how GOD wants us all to do this…. …. So here goes….

Sorry for all the pain ladies. The hardest times in life is when you have given the best part of your heart to someone who doesn’t have a clue what to do with it. That begs the question who do I give my heart to? Ladies we ONLY give our heart to a man who from the very first date treats women like Jesus would treat women.

The perfect man doesn’t exist but the man who loves Jesus has the help of the Holy Spirit who knows how to treat women right. Ladies we have to BE the right one by having that kind of relationship with Jesus too. A man in love with Jesus will be looking for the same. You have to know who you are in Christ and God’s heart for you. That will help us weed out the men who are not serious about what God wants and who can’t give or receive love. You can find out before your heart is gone on this question alone.

Don’t be desperate for love. Desperate people make desperate decisions from fear and not from a heart that wants the best for the Kingdom. That man should be pursuing you with all his might. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing” He should want to protect your heart and mind and body. His favorite place with you should be safe and not the bedroom. You should never have to beg him for love or insecurely prove yourself to him. He can see who you really are and love you as you are. Desperation will have you become out of order with God. GOD says for the man to pursue not the woman.

Happily ever after doesn’t exist.

Marriage can be a blast most times but true love has to be protected and commitment has to sometimes carry the rough spots when love isn’t always on deck. This is why we make marriage vows and why we stick to the vow for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part. That vow means if the going gets rough we dig in and work together for a solution with each person being committed to the best for the other. There is never a solution if the other person always thinks the other person is the problem. In marriage if there is discord BOTH have a problem and BOTH need the win win of solving it with respect, honor and love. One person doesn’t get all the blame because there is no blame there’s only grace. Marriage is a proving ground for sure. Not for the faint hearted. The relationship is always more important than being right. Humility is always the better route than being right. “But I don’t like being wrong” get over yourself (flesh) and pride. Jesus is the best example. HE went as a silent lamb. BOY! He could have said tons of words. He knew they were wrong and he knew their hearts. Yet for the joy set before him, he endured, despising the shame. Wonder how many lives were touched because of his humility? Much more than would have been if he went to the cross kicking and screaming. What a great example.

You can’t hear from the Lord if you are desperate about anything.

Make sure you are attracted to the right type of guy for reasons that will outlast “coolness” and looks. See the heart of that man. Is he working for his wife? Even before he knows her is he seeking the heart of God for her? Is he pursuing her? Is he protecting her? Does he value her and want to be a gift to her as a Godly husband, protector and champion. Can she safely place her emotions and heart in his hands to hold like a delicate bird? Does he crush her with words and actions? I am not saying this man is perfect and will get it right all the time. Does he have virtue to WANT to get it right and to learn how to get it right?

Does he have a teachable spirit to accept a help meet who can really help him? Will he understand her gifts and really accept her as a gift from God or will he judge her and dismiss her. GOD gave women special roles in a man’s life. The role is to add not take away.  Both will help reveal the other’s spots still needing healing. Will he fight for your purity and lead you away from the bedroom towards Jesus. If he’s not leading you toward Jesus and loving you like Jesus …. he’s not a godly man and his intentions are self serving. Don’t miss this because you will justify it by saying he will change. HE can change but for sure this is Satan’s folly. For a woman to think a man will change for her when he won’t even change for Jesus is irrational.  If Jesus is not the man in the middle of that man…… he won’t be the man in the middle of the marriage. I can’t do marriage without Jesus. Jesus came to bring order to chaos. A Godly man will bring order to your life and not chaos. He will not be conflicted because the Holy Spirit is not conflicted. He will not jerk your heart around or crush it without it hurting himself and grieving GOD to do it.

Don’t fall for someone who has issues they are avoiding. You will become the whipping girl for all of their issues if you fall for them. You will think “If I just love them enough they will heal and get better” God reveals what he wants to heal and you will be stuck in their muck until they decide to hand it to God. You will become every person who has caused their issues as you stumble in darkness with them. God has a plan better than this!

Marriage doesn’t change you into a better person it magnifies the person you are. If there is something great about you it becomes greater in marriage. If there is something horrible it becomes worse. Again GOD reveals what he wants to heal. How do you identify issues? IF he does the same unreasonable behavior on a consistent basis that doesn’t line up with how Jesus would treat you…. that’s an issue…… Ladies if you are healthy and marry an unhealthy man you will wear yourself out and lose your focus trying to get to a place he can’t get to because he won’t try. It takes two willing hearts. A man who sees an issue and searches his heart and God’s heart( WORD OF GOD) to solve it in his life is a man who is real and intentional.

Pr 14:15 says the simple believes anything but the prudent gives thought to their steps. Give these things careful red flag checking thoughts.

Lastly don’t marry someone who isn’t God’s best for you. GOD says he gives his best gifts to his children. He won’t violate his Word and give you a mate that’s a 3 in life if you are a 10. He’s not going to bless a man who won’t grow and he won’t shaft a gal who has her life together with a man who is unsure of himself. Please know this…… a man can present all kinds of Godly pretensions but if the stuff above is not in his life….. Even if he reads the Word daily and goes to church every time the doors open ……. if he is not living out and walking what is in that BOOK…if he is not treating you like Christ would treat you as a friend he won’t treat you that way as a mate….. He’s just not there yet and this is the difference between a Boaz and a Bozo. Only GOD can change a willing Bozo into a Boaz.  If you are a Ruth GOD won’t have you settle for someone not there yet. You don’t have to settle for crumbs when you can feast at a table GOD has prepared for you. Here’s the question to ask.

The first time you hear the “L” word…. ask

“Is this the kind of love God meant when he created Adam and Eve. The kind between two people that truly reflects his love for us? (The I Corinthians 13 kind of love) or are you settling for less than God’s immeasurably more than anything you can ask or imagine?” ~Lacretia Noble

Eph 3:20…

Ladies if it isn’t heading to that kind of love RUN like the wind because GOD wants to bless you with THAT kind of love. It takes time for some of this stuff to come to the surface but when it does, if you are prepared by knowing who you are in CHRIST and what GOD wants for you. It will help you determine God’s will and you won’t rationalize staying when you should go. Thank GOD for  break ups and his protecting of your heart. God loves you just the way he wants a man who wants his daughter to love you. These are my notes from Perry Noble’s message at New Spring Church, with things GOD laid on my heart added as well. We never have to settle or give away GOD’s plan to have our own.