My little heart has pondered, prayed, persevered and plowed through. I know that my heavenly Father wants the best for me and have no doubt about that at all. I write a lot here about how wondrously he has saved me and sustained me. Even this post I am sure will wind up saying that some way.
Living in this fallen world that isn’t my home has been a journey I would have never believed I could survive. It may look automatic or easy in writing but today I think it’s necessary to say it’s not. We are all “works in progress” as we have heard so many times. I think that we can claim that and I surely do. I am totally a work in progress. I have to be careful being too comfortable with that term because I might plow a rut that gets my plow stuck.
I would rather strip gears than idle long and God continually keeps right on teaching me that he wants to be my everything and is. Is he really enough? It’s hard somedays here. My circumstance right now is absolutely one that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. In the middle of the uncertainty I have to be real with folks about who Christ is and I have to do the best I can to be a light. I have to keep my head on straight and realize others are affected by my actions. Only God can help me and keep me out of the way. In other words, I can’t just take a vacation from being Deb and throw it all out the window because it’s uncomfortable. Believe me it is uncomfortable.
The details aren’t necessary but the bottom line is this. God has said to seek first the kingdom and all these things will be added unto you. I really think that means if we seek what God values we will have what we value because we are becoming more and more like him daily. Our values become like his.
Is he really enough? The answer to that is this. I don’t have to feel he’s really enough I have to know it. I don’t have to feel forgiven, I have to believe it. I don’t have hands clinging to hope, I have to rest in my hope. When questions come in they can only be answered with truth.
The feelings are there and real and raw. They are more so in the last few weeks than in a while. Life can be a struggle but that’s where I have to put feelings aside and rest in what I know to be true. Tall order for a woman who has a heart like mine. It’s the hardest thing I do because I care deeply, love deeply and plow deeply.
I am not talking about discontentment here. What I am talking about is the movement of God in my life to reposition me. The handwriting on the wall kind of work God does.
I know that I will continue to pray, believe, hope and move forward. I have a God who will sift me and joys in doing it because it’s best for me. Several years ago I looked at heaven and said “I will love you anyway Lord” and that’s where I am today. I will love him anyway in all things because he is mine and I am his.
When things don’t go like my planned dreams I pray for God to lead me to what he can bless. I give my best daily to him. He sorts it and the wood hay and stubble fade but in there somewhere are things he keeps. I raise my hands and praise him. God is good in my life and I am blessed beyond anything I deserve.
My chin is up and I am moving on believing God wants the best for me. How this will all play out I have no clue. I can’t at this point say I know anything for sure beyond what I know in Christ. I will though put one foot in front of the other as I follow my precious Shepherd who knows how all things should be. When the plowing is done it will be time to plant and harvest. I long for the fields to be ripe again.
I might not understand it all but daily I pray this verse. I believe no matter how far I have fallen and how much I have done in this life. This is my mandate from God.
13Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,