What a Beautiful Day!

Sitting here before you in this beautiful moment in awe and gratitude. There’s instrumental music playing, my lights are down low and my little corner of the world is cozy and warm.

There’s so much to be grateful for.

The most precious gift in life I have ever had are my two children who love the Lord and that have their Momma’s heart. My life has been filled with so many precious things. For 17 years I was able to teach some of the sweetest children on earth, for 20 years I was able to be a wife and for life I am a mom.

Being a mom is the greatest accomplishment of my entire life. I remember looking at my girls when they were born. It was so precious to watch them sleep and check a million times to see if they were breathing. They never knew I was even in the room. My heart ached when theirs did, and still does. I remember seeing my oldest singing from the hymnbook while sitting on her play gym outside the kitchen window. She was crying. When I asked her why she was crying her words were. “I’m singing so pretty I am blessing myself” I hid that in my heart. Knowing their journey now years later, it brings tears. My oldest is a thinker and her dreams have always been huge.

I remember my youngest and her sense of individuality. She loved big hats and her grandma gave her a few. I still see my little girl in the lunch line at school in those big floppy hats. It was her style and her statement. She was my hugger baby. She hugged everyone she met. My youngest is a romantic and her dreams are always about how she can love and serve others or be loved in return.

If I never do anything else in this life or have any blessings in the future, being a mom to Laura and Katie was my Super Bowl.

Teaching high school was such a fantastic privilege. I loved seeing the kids go on to serve the LORD and love him. I wanted the same things for them my own children had. I wanted them to know God’s love and perfect peace in the storms. I loved seeing their lives unfold and little families. Wow! How far many have come and how precious they have been. I will never forget 10 years ago getting about 60 letters on a very dark day in my life from each of them. They wanted to bless me with a waterfall of grace from their loving hearts because they cared. I still have those letters.

Being a wife was an honor. No matter how it ended I still wouldn’t have wanted to miss the journey. Planning, hoping, dreaming, loving, sharing and serving were exciting to me and I miss doing that. I miss decorating the house for every season and trying to make it a home. The laughter and love still echo in my heart. I still consider the privilege something to be thankful for.

All of the things above are great honors. I know that all that these things can all change in a moment. They did for me. Yet I am grateful and this moment is just about God catching me up on that gratitude. I love the verse James 1:17, It says every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness neither shadow of turning.

All of those things may change in our lives. People vary with their feelings and emotions from the damage this world slings on us. No one is immune and the losses are real and painful. Our Father doesn’t change and that is my peace. I know that whatever comes my way is good and perfect for me. I know he can even turn my tragedy into triumph. He can use my mistakes and make them a message. He can take my weakness and turn it into willingness and my sorrow into surrender.

He’s my Father and I trust him completely even when it doesn’t make sense to me. This is a time that life doesn’t make sense and I have perfect peace anyway. I guess that is because I know that I know that He loves me and cares beyond my own comprehension. Just as I checked on my daughter a million times to see if she was breathing, God says he holds my life in his hands and no one can take it. He’s always there for me.

I am thankful as he graciously blesses me with his perfect gifts. I may not see them right away. Life is just too precious to waste or wish away. Thank you Father for loving me. I love the song Hold Me Jesus and I love Phil Keaggy on the guitar as well. This is for anyone who is beginning the journey of divorce and who are ok on the outside but who are inside still falling off the cliff. Divorce challenges your faith and peace like nothing else can. My heart aches for you but I am a testimony that you will get safely home. There’s grace in the loving arms.

What a year! I am so loved.

I look back over this year and am amazed at how quickly life changes. It doesn’t collapse in a moment but it can change with one phone call, a person’s actions or events so easily that you almost feel like a bomb has exploded. I was waiting to have a biopsy and was thinking about this past year. I was wondering how I was going to tell my children that I have cancer if the results came back negative. This was the last of a long series of test I had in which I fell through the cracks with my doctor. For those having a breast biopsy I want to give you this information. It’s not as bad as it sounds. It was worse emotionally than it was physically.

I was reviewing this past year and tears welled up thinking about my girls, things that I still wanted to do for the kingdom and also oddly enough about how to be a testimony with cancer if that was God’s will for me. I always question my motive and desires because I know just how human I can be. Yet something in me wanted to glorify the Lord if this was to be my lot. I won’t know until Tuesday of the results. I thought I was in the clear earlier but evidently I wasn’t and had to have this final biopsy. I think the main thing I came away with was worth sharing.

Here’s the thing, I sat there looking over 2011 and there were some hard spots. I became an empty nester, lost a dear friend that was the first person I ever trusted so deeply, changed jobs, moved into my own place, celebrated life without my mom who went home to be with the Lord and lived alone for the first time in 50 years.

I know life changes and I am not the kind who jumps for joy each time the pendulum swings and smacks me down when I just got up. Yet I have to say over all with all the hurt and sorrow what a joy I have to know that my Father gives good gifts to me. He is concerned that I grow and serve him and he wants me to appreciate his love for me. God isn’t impressed with me but wow does he love for his children to appreciate his love.

He gave all he had for this little lamb. So as I think about my rough year I have to say I am still thankful. I love this life God is carving for me and I can’t really complain about the hard places. My car is still broken needing a lot of repairs, do I have cancer or not, I don’t know, my new job is starting slower than anticipated but I know that I know that I know that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day. God has all this and is taking great care to walk me day by day through this journey. I have to praise him and thank him for his great love. I have to tell you dear ones to rest in that and only be defined by one who sold all that he had to purchase you a precious pearl and treasure. Matthew 13:44-46

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him shall have everlasting life. John 3:16

Praising Anyway

I raise my hand in praise saying you are my GOD, you are my Father, you are Holy and worthy of all praise. Even in my weakest moment you are my strength. I love you, I praise you, I am in amazement of your attributes and character that lay for me a firm foundation that I can stand upon. Mighty wings that I can rest under. Forever I sing your praises and understand your unfailing love for this wretched saint. I am reminded that your WORD is true and you are faithful to it. I am reminded that this life is temporal and that eternally you and you alone are my hope of GLORY. IN the storm you promise to be there even if I try to run to the depths of hell you will not leave me oh my GOD. No matter how dark things can be you are light. What else can I do but raise my hands and say …….. You are worthy because of who you are, I give you glory honor, praise, and say with my complete heart I thank you.

Father I don’t understand all that is happening but I adore you and know you are my hiding place, strong tower, refuge, and rock that is higher than I. This lamb is calling her Shepherd … with a grateful heart that I will always be a sheep needing you. I need you OH GOD. In Jesus name Amen.

This started out on my facebook but grew too big to put there. Ya know, sometimes you get to a place you just have to praise when you don’t really feel, or know what else to do. I wanted to start my day with praise and share it because HE is worthy. I am reminded of most of what I wrote over the last few months. As my writings become my life going from what I have learned in my head to what I understand in my heart I see God’s character and my own and find that I lack and still have much polishing to become a diamond out of the rough. God bless you all…