Pain

A grudge is the most selfish and pridefully destructive thing. Unpacking this today (not because of anyone having a grudge against me but because of working with people about forgiveness) 

Here’s the thing about a grudge. It does’t accomplish anything good. A grudge always produces bad fruit. It may punish a person who loves you but really how Biblical is that? It definitely causes you grief and blocked love. Even putting the Bible aside how emotionally healthy is that? Bottom line is this. If you are holding a grudge you now have taken the lower road. 

Great offenses happen but when we hold grudges we are really exhibiting how self centered and prideful we are. I am not diminishing the pain a person can cause another. There are huge huge hurts in this life. Molestation, rape, divorce, and every offense you can imagine. What I am saying is the best way to recover is to not hold a grudge. It’s self destructive. The offender doesn’t deserve that much energy from your life. Your hands deserve to be empty so you can receive love and hear from God. God even warns us how destructive this is. He tells us it is better to correct it ourselves than to have him make the adjustment. As a child who has been violated in the past in severe ways. I can tell you I never experienced all of the freedom in Christ I now have until I let go and emptied my hands of those who hurt me so God could fill my life with his love that has never hurt me. 

How can you hold a grudge and satisfy Mt 5? 

23Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; 24Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift. 25Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison. 26Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing.

I already know this post might cost me readers but I will say this anyway. People get spooky about GOD working so directly in a life but this is really happening and besides I have no way of knowing who reads this blog anyway so hopefully you will hang on. I can’t just leave this unsaid.

I was praying earlier putting something out of my control into God’s hands just like I did with a hard situation about an airline ticket a few weeks ago. I know GOD can work and move in this and I am confident HE will make a way where there seems to be no way. My heart knows what it knows! Yet the hurt I feel is normal grief over a loss and I run like a child to a fathers lap to Psalms 139 where GOD says there is no darkness in him at all! Even my darkness is light to him.. I was going to end my time with the LORD with a song to encourage me and this one came right to my finger tip. My freedom started with a DJ freedom weekend where I learned that my life was exchanged with Christ on the cross. He who knew no sin became sin for us. That opened up healing for me that continued through a series of rough storms. All were allowed by GOD even if orchestrated by me or others. This song starts where my broken journey started with divorce and it ends where my journey seems to be ending …. Deeper in love with Him.

A few messages ago my Pastor preached on the fire that tries us. One of his points was that if you want the fire to ease up you might delay your growth. I prayed at the altar that GOD would not turn down the heat. I had been seeking more refining when I even posted here a few weeks ago that same idea about delaying growth in your life. In my daily devotions I had asked God to show me where I am weak and I knew that I had been affected by the world I work in and by my past just trying to survive in a way that wasn’t always refined to say the least and that I still needed to learn some things the right way. It was no coincidence that at Bible study tonight the Pastor talked about going back to where your roots are and check out what you can keep and get rid of what isn’t true. Holy COW!

I have friends who blog here about great things about God who share great spiritual truths. I guess I am the poster child for blogging about great spiritual whippings.

To me what is happening in my life IS a great GOD thing. GOD is answering my prayers and the heat is turned up. I asked GOD to deal with me about an issue after I disappointed someone and he is doing that! I hate it too but it’s necessary… He is not letting me off the hook in any way. Do you understand how huge that is? Little old me? I never thought this would be happening in my life and I am sadly excited. I am just a peon in the universe but GOD is working in my life showing me things I have never understood before. Sometimes when I read my Bible lately it’s like I am picking up a new book. Mind you I have several degrees from religious schools. Yet when I read in Psalms 103 that he pitieth his children and knows our weaknesses wow… that hit me like a brick. I must have read that tons in times past but the intimacy of it didn’t hit me until a few days ago.

Why am I typing this in the wee hours of the morning? You know GOD answers prayers and not the way we always think he will. He’s answered mine and even sent affirmation through foolish things like a returned airline ticket, a preaching message (he called it foolish take it up with him), a song that spoke right to my heart and said … Deb you don’t have to carry this one or think your past is to blame. Hear me I am calling … fall deeper in love with me. My love is enough.

You prayed for something and it fell in your lap but the answer came through the fire. It came in the form of pain but was what you prayed for. Now you doubt what is before you. God can even use what looks like a mess to you to give you a clear message. Don’t miss the answers to prayer. Open your eyes and trust your GOD not your past.

I recently took quite a few personality tests. They were all geared to find out more about myself and also with whom I would be most compatible. It was exciting to take them and discuss them, because I hadn’t in years. No one had cared to know me that well or explored who I was that deeply until this past Christmas. Most of my traits are the same as they have always been. It felt good to see personal growth, of course there’s still lots to learn.

There is no test that can prepare you or define you when the unexpected happens. Everyone has down days and times when they do something the test can’t predict.
Life has a few out of character moments that change the course you are headed. Everyone has had an embarrassing moment when they did something totally out of their comfort zone and something out of their norm that has caused harm. The one I want to talk about here is one that came about because I had a lapse in judgment and angered someone deeply.

I work in a ministry that helps people forgive and get past their anger. I am rarely on the side that causes the anger and when I do it usually breaks my heart. I am tender hearted and really do not have the capacity to mindlessly mistreat someone. I am generally thoughtful and encouraging.

The litmus test for un-forgiveness is anger.

What should the Christian do in this situation? Aaaack to be honest I hate saying this but it’s clear and simple even though what you are forgiving might be huge or minor. In order to redeem time and not become bitter we have a choice to forgive. I wanted to unpack this as I am working through it myself. I have to forgive myself for poor judgment and also have to forgive someone for hurting me even though I wronged them.

What does that look like? First you have to acknowledge you have anger and are dealing with this unresolved issue. Secondly you have to forgive and let it go. Forgiveness doesn’t mean a wrong didn’t occur or that anyone “gets away with” an injustice. We live in a world where our free will slams into another person’s life in a very damaging way sometimes. A world where people can and do whatever they see right in their own eyes. Good intentions aside this is troublesome. The same God who loves us allows these interactions and we love Him because he lets us be who we are, flaws and all. I wouldn’t want to serve a God that made me a robot although a little more brains would have been nice a couple of weeks ago. You might ask why I am angry? Well we can get angry with ourselves. We can get angry over the loss of friendship. We can get angry if we feel attacked. I want to be as genuine as I can here without saying anything that can cause further hurt.

Forgiveness is letting go of that damage or hurt. It’s a process that usually ends once we are past the grief and can have compassion on the person we are forgiving. Hoping they are healed or restored from the actions and released from the pain as you now are. It is taking them off your hook and letting them go. Sometimes you are not given the option of asking them for forgiveness. I wasn’t shown that respect either but the argument could be that I didn’t deserve it. I humbly say that! I would welcome the chance to apologize. I can forgive anyway.
When you forgive yourself, the principle is the same, you are taking yourself off your hook and hopefully learning and growing in a better way. Self-forgiveness is hardest for me because I don’t generally like to get into situations that I cause someone else pain. Forgiveness helps you remain healthy and also helps you get past the past. Anything that is in your past and still affecting you now is not healed and truthfully not in your past. Healing takes time and is harder depending on the offense.

I hope the best for people who have wronged me or who I have wronged. No one gets through this life without painful lessons. I sincerely hope people find joy and happiness in the LORD and peace with the past. I truly hope families are restored and lives are changed.

No one can love or forgive like Jesus.

He is our perfect example.

We can only imitate him by forgiving and receiving forgiveness.

I hope to be forgiven but for now I forgive. ☺

It’s never ok to play with someone’s heart. Dangling hopes, dreams and desires before someone who has prayed for a while for those things is bound to hurt them and confuse them. That’s never honest and never compassionate regardless of your intentions. You have to be careful with matters of the heart when you are engaging people. You don’t know what makes and breaks a person or what could hurt them deeply and interrupt their race. Honesty has to be the basis for everything. You should know yourself and where you are headed. If your head and heart are disconnected you will move ahead of your heart a divided person. There may be good reason you are divided, explore that division and find out what direction you should head. Never start a race you are not willing to run. I try to be aware of this as much as I can but sometimes miss the mark and I understand others can as well. We have to forgive people when they do this and hope they will forgive us as well. It’s explained by the fact that the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked according to the Bible. With all the knowledge I have there are still times I am knocked off my feet. We long and desire some great things in this life and having those things isn’t wrong, but be ready and able before involving someone else who is ready to have them. I know people have good intentions and do not intend to hurt others. Yet still we have to own it to grow and learn. Intentions are not meaningful if the person never sees or knows them. People can misjudge you quicker than trust you. They may only know what we said or did. Hindsight is 20/20. The Lord tells us to guard our heart and we have to be careful with where we place our trust or how we are drawn into a persons life. We have to be able to tell if someone is being truthful with us and if they are making a decision from wholeness or brokenness. Listen to that voice that says, wait or not now. That’s our accountability. We also have to be careful with our own weakness. If we are treading where our desire and past hurts collide we can potentially put ourselves in an unhealthy situation and not realize it until we are hurt deeply. We may hurt others deeply as well. Ugh, this stinks too.

I have never understood the concept of throwing people away. Even people who have done some pretty terrible things. I hope and pray I never do! I understand healthy boundaries. I understand separation, enabling and codependency. That is not what I am talking about here. I understand solving disagreements with clear kind compassion that sets those boundaries. I am talking about judging and sentencing a person without fairness. Even as humans we can show mercy if we choose and hear out a person.

I am glad my Father’s love is perfect and that he understands my heart and weaknesses and doesn’t just wad me up like a piece of paper throw me and all of the good things about me away because of his anger or because I was impatient with him or because I crossed a line. Truth is I am going to be impatient once in a while, I will cross lines at times and I will cause anger. It is never my heart to do these things but I am not a super Christian. I am truly a lamb who needs her Shepherd. I am a loving gal who is imperfect and still seeking and growing in this journey. I don’t and won’t always get it right but no one who has ever stayed in my race will say I failed to forgive and love through the rough spot. I really don’t know how else to do it but to love through. The truth most people miss or do not take time with in this life is when they are misjudged. As bad as I can be and as much as I can fail, I pray Lord, let me learn to love like you do more each day! I am amazed at the great love of GOD! Some of my best friendships were born out of misunderstanding. Take time to work through things that offend and realize you are filtering everything with your own stuff. Giving people the benefit of the doubt is a trite saying to me. I say go the extra mile and love them through not only the doubt but through what they can’t see. If a person can’t see it and receive you, then LOVE ANYWAY. You can be hurt and rejected but that’s ok. Here’s the thing ~ He is my God and is the God of second chances and even as unworthy as I am, I get a second, third, fourth, hundredth, chance with Him because he alone is faithful and true to offer it. He can’t violate his word and withhold it from me. His restoration and resurrection are principles he wants in my life to get me to where I need to be in his purpose and plan. It’s a check he can write and cash because of his Son Jesus. He is able to offer it because he loves me and has proven his love with a cross. He sincerely cares and loves me with undivided compassion. He offers grace that abounds beyond my sin and that sustains me in hard times. I am thankful God sees past my shortcomings to my real heart and knows my desires. I am thankful God loves through. I am thankful for the journey and once again I have to start on it, knowing that should God provide that second chance, it will come in a way that is right for me by someone who has a heart like his and will treat me like He treats me. The world will throw you away but God’s love never fails and it reaches even an imperfect sinner like me. I am thankful for people in my life now who have God’s heart and can show me his love even when I fail. I love them dearly and wow! what an honor to race with them and be taught by them!

There’s a lot of shame and blame in this world. I am thankful Jesus rose past it as a perfect example and endured it for my sake so I would have a way to race and finish well. He loved through.

Hebrews 12

1Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,

2Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I heard Anne Graham Lotz talk about God changing our scars to beauty marks. LORD knows I had some scars. I was talking to someone after a lecture I attended and after our conversation I drove home with alot of what I had said running thru my mind.
It’s not an easy message to tell folks that some of their pain is ok. That life is hard and GOD will be their peace. They want relief and sometimes relief doesn’t come in the process as quickly as desired. This causes all kinds of problems if you push ahead of God’s plans for your life and seek relief in the wrong people or things. People do not want to hear that this life is not about our comfort. I was driving along home thinking how much of my own life has been marvelously crafted by a hammer and chisel of some of the greatest pain. One of the deepest scars is the scar of rejection. No one naturally likes to be rejected. Those who are rejected by people who should have loved them are the people I most identify with. That type of rejection leaves significant scars. Women should guard their hearts better than I guarded mine. Women are not naturally designed to do that. We are designed to want to give of ourselves to others. I love being a woman and the wonderful thing about a woman’s heart is also what makes her vulnerable.
The most wise advice would be to avoid the scars in the first place. I know that sounded like DUH! God is teaching me by His Word how to do that but this blog is about people who are already scarred. What do you do when you are so deeply wounded and healing seems so very slow? I can only share and hopefully encourage you. I was very depressed and sinking over a final rejection by someone I loved. They couldn’t get their life together for whatever reason which kept them from being in my life. Boy, did that hurt watching them waste away and finally realizing they choose to.
I can’t tell you why this wounded me so deeply still learning that, but I can tell you that it was not a feeling I had experienced before. It was one of the deepest pains I had ever felt. I think it stripped something inside of me that needed to go. The best I can describe it is this, God has to meet all your needs and people never will. It’s unfair to folks to expect that. God has been molding my life in that direction lately. He has been molding me to trust Him completely and no one else for anything else. I love the body of Christ, love to fellowship, and they do meet a lot of needs in my life as they minister to me and I to them. What precious people God has put in my path in Dallas. Yet my hope is not in them because at some point they will fail me and I will fail them. I have to allow for that to happen because it will. Just love them anyway as they love me anyway. My hope is in the LORD alone.
What is healing me is His Word. I know that might be the last thing you want to hear because Christians rarely read the Bible anymore as a whole. We look for blogs, self-help books, and tapes and conferences to bring that magic wand that opens our eyes and makes all things right with the world. Save your money and your time. Those things can help to some degree but nothing will replace time with GOD and time in the WORD. Believe me I tried them all!!! My only hope is that you read this stuff I write and want to get to know the GOD I speak of intimately. If you read it and think of me then I have failed my mission. If you could look me in the eye right now I would tell you this. Get in the WORD, do it consistently and pray regularly it will change your scars to beauty marks. It won’t feel natural at first and might even be a chore. Still do it dear ones, let it open those wounds and spiritually salve them over as you heal the right and proper way, by God’s perspective. When I read I see the character of GOD who loves me, allows the Holy Spirit to guide and comfort me, as He heals my wounds. This life is hard, hard things happen, and some are part of our growth. Imagine a GOD who is loving enough to walk through it with you, leaving behind HIS WORD, and Spirit to be not only your guide but to reveal HIS heart clearly so that you know HE is holy and just. Only a perfect holy just GOD could orchestrate a symphony of pain that could bring sweet music and relief to our broken lives. It’s not about the pain, it’s about being molded more into HIS likeness to glorify Him. Jesus said he came to set us free. Pain brings bondage. It takes our focus. The only way to be free is to shift your focus to the object of your faith. God’s WORD accomplishes that in us by setting us free with truth. Luke 4:18 Jesus proclaimed this was part of HIS mission.
Luke 4:18 The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised,

(Please note, I totally believe GOD wants to hear from us. I have been a pit dweller at times in my life this is written for a reminder to myself as well )

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! No one just wakes up with an emotionally burned out crippled and  crumbled  life. It takes time to get to any destination.  You might retort to me look at  Job and point a finger and say ah ha .. you have no clue what you are talking about.  Yes, Job is a person in the Bible who suffered greatly and we point to him often when we are in storms to try to get the courage to gut it out. I think we do ourselves a disservice doing that for several reasons because when we look at Job, we see the end of the story where GOD restored him. That keeps the focus on what we can get out of our brokeness rather than what it does to us in molding our character. We also need to look at Job’s life fully, not just that he suffered.  I am not talking about a person who is being tested in the way Job was. I am talking about when our circumstances are orchestrated by our own bad choices. Choices that have consequences that can not be restored. Don’t misunderstand me here, I am not saying God doesn’t restore. He promises to restore what the locust have eaten. I am saying the suffereing and  restoration Job had was not the kind I am speaking about. There is much to learn there but I am talking about when sin damages us.

  Our lives do not crumble overnight.  I woke up at 3:00 am with this thot in my head and decided it will be today’s blog. Where I am at today came through many tough water that were deep and challenging.   So this blog seems to be more or less dedicated to trading your sorrow for joy of the LORD.  My intent and purpose is to give folks a glimpse of what  I found elusive in many of my storms. Not that I can change anyone but that  the things that changed me were the WORD of GOD and soldiers in the body of Christ who shed their light at a time when darkness surrounded my soul as wave after wave of my journey collided with my faith. I just want to shed what light I have been given. 

 My life could have been much different if I had not have taken the trip I did to get where I am now. What if each moment in our lives we could have an instant replay. We surely wouldn’t get to the place where we are sitting broken and burned out if we could just replay those things that didn’t go as we hoped. Of course we  really can’t do that and if we could it would create disaster in our lives. By sheer human nature we would abuse such a gift. It’s a kind of winning the lottery pipe dream lets get back to reality.

One of the most sheep like qualities of Christians is our ability to depend on ourselves to be our own shepherd. We acknowledge GOD, even have a wealth of knowledge about Him but lack the ability on our own to stay out of the ditch.  In storms knowledge of GOD is useless without intimacy with Him. It’s like being all dressed up and no place to go. I lived that for many years. My knowledge was performance and fear based. The times I have been in the ditch were usually when I was steering the vehicle. We can’t just ask GOD to come along in our lives as we take on burdens He never intended we carry or as we try to orchstrate our way out of the storm or into a better place, or deny it’s complete existence. We know GOD, what His WORD teaches but we filter it by our lives and the parts we line up with we feel good about. The parts we don’t we dismiss or deny. It should be the other way around .

I know when I was deeply stuck in the mire, no one could talk to me. I was insistent that life  was going to work the way I had prayed.  Basically I am glad it didn’t in some cases. I was praying for my way and not God’s way.

The mire is so ugly.  If you have ever tried to walk in deep goopy mud you know what it’s like to try to pull one leg out, take a step, then pull the other leg out. It doesn’t take long before you tire completely. Spiritually, we create mire pits when we stop believing what God has said is true. When we do not watch His character to always keep His WORD and work in a way that is for our good.

We create a problem or make a huge mistake and the first thing that happens if we are not intimately walking is that our natural selves take over and rationalize how things can not work instead of seeing the beautiful plan God has to restore and renew our faith by transforming our mind.  We become a dead man walking so to speak. You will stink if you play with dead things but every believer has the Holy Spirit who is always ready and willing to walk you through the situation.  Psalms 40:1-3

 
1 I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.

2 He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.

3 And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD.

I love this passage!!! Really let it sink into your heart that sitting on your spiritual hiney is not only keeping you stuck in mire, it’s also keeping people from seeing GOD at work and fearing and trusting Him. It’s not all about us.  LOOK! and see that HE takes you out of the pit and He establishes our steps. Whew the pressure is off of us and on to Him. We just have to just follow the Shepherd. 

 Now don’t get the idea you will just sit there and wait for God to show up. NO! You wait paitiently but wail on! Wait on it to be God that answers but cry out to Him. He will incline and lift you up and put you on a rock, a solid foundation. If you know anything at all about walking in mire it is this, you are on shaky ground getting dirty and sucked in feet first. Your life is not too burned, it’s not over, it’s not done if you call upon your Father to lift you out. Dear ones I need to see that in you and you need to see that in me. Let’s let GOD hear us and get us out of the pit that keeps us hidden from the lost and dying world.

Yeah this title may sound silly but lets explore this notion. A crash dummy is made for one purpose, to see how it can withstand the impact of trauma. It isn’t meant to survive the impact but to be evaluated after the impact. If it survives that is not the issue. A crash dummy is put into a situation to tax all of its makeup. There is no implied protection or escape. If the entire dummy is destroyed,  the forces that destroyed it are examined or the structure that was supposed to protect it. The dummy really is just along for the ride. Every crash dummy has a purpose in essence. Never has a dummy stood up and said this is unfair, I can’t take this anymore, I am outta here! This is too hard, life isn’t fair, why can’t I change? Nope, one sole purpose of the crash dummy without deviation is to be put in harms way and evaluate the stressors that come against the dummy and the product being tested. Crash dummies take their role and play it out daily. Day in and day out, crash dummy families are put in a car that is smashed to smitherenes and the damage is evaluated …

So why are they smarter than humans, because humans are not made to be crash dummies but we take our lives and put them in wrecklessly into vehicles that test our very existence and ram us  right into the wall before us. We become crash dummies when we know God’s vision, HIS WORD, His great compassion but play fool hardy with the very grace He extended to us. We are not as smart as a crash dummy when we sit day in and day out thinking life is hard but all the while we are making the very choices that make it hard on ourselves. Life isn’t hard it’s impossible in our own strength. You can’t sit and say “I can’t change or I would have” without being a crash dummy. You become a sitting duck for depression, fear, doubt, lack of personhood whether man or woman. You can’t choose if GOD loves you but you can sure choose how you walk in that love. Medicating yourself with pity and wiping your tears with bitter regrets. Give me a break, crash dummies don’t even  do that. They are smarer than humans, they take the beating and also are in subject to the ones who are responsible to put them back into action. Even crash dummies have accountability so to speak outside of their own existence. the follow the will of the researchers. Daily there are people who are being led away captive by foolish people who are not serious about their own lives or the lives of others. Mark it down folks who sit hours joking never exercising or applying the WORD of GOD are themselves the pitiful joke.

How stinkingly foolish to know the goodness of GOD, His character, His attributes and to just simply say, my life will be hard from now on but I can’t change. You got that right. Just as a crash dummy can’t change and be a toaster or golf cart, you as a created being, drawn by GOD, can not change anything. You were created and fashioned for HIS glory and pleasure . You can live from disgrace to His grace. Crash dummies are created for disaster they know their role. You were created to glorify GOD for His pleasure. Who will have the last say in your life? Will you pretend to be Godly where you can hide yourself and your reality?  WAKE UP!!! This life is real, GOD real, don’t waste it and die from a life of isolation as if you have no choice. Will you just get into your spiritual vehicle and keep crashing into the wall or will you really live?

You can’t lie to a crash dummy. Crash dummies do not change their role because of anothers words.  Humans are gullible thinking they know how to manage their lives and deciding prohpetically that there’s no hope. We tell ourselves that life is hard, we self talk our way into negative thinking, and hopeless existence. That is why GOD said our heart is deceitful.

So, what does a human do to be smarter than a crash dummy? We take all the head knowledge we have about almighty GOD and stand on it until the stars fall. HE is trustworthy, He is true, HE can heal, He can restore, He can deliver, HE can save, He can love, He can make all things new, HE can be all that HE has promised. IF HE can’t do one of the above… HE’s a liar and we need to close shop there is no hope.

Do you hear what I am saying. I am not your momma, I am one who was crashing my life until I realized GOD’s WORD covered my guilt, sin, shame, and pain. Romans 8:1, Ps 40:1-3, Isaiah 61:1-3 Psalms 91, Psalms 139, I would have to list the whole Bible to make the point! Get real, stop blaming,stop crashing, stand up be GOD’s man and leave the consquences to HIM!